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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Sept 4, 2010 18:11:37 GMT -5
I think we need a fresh, clean, new page (after all of DaB's jokes in the previous page ;D) ... ----------------------------------------- An Irish Prostitute Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...' 'Ye WHAT!!? Out of here!!, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!!.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $10 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible sports car that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................(takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff. A prostitute!!!' 'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2010 7:13:42 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash. The whole bar is shocked into temporary silence. The man says aloud "I bet everyone here a pint each that I can put my balls into this croc's mouth for a whole minute, and then remove them unscathed.". The patrons take him up on his bet.
The man lifts the croc up onto a table, opens his mouth and places his balls inside. The croc's mouth closes. A minute later, the man smashes a beer bottle on the croc's head, and the croc immediately opens his mouth. The man's balls remain unharmed.
Everyone is very impressed, and starts buying him the pints as promised. The man shouts out "does anyone else want to try?". The bar goes quiet again. A few seconds later, a timid blonde speaks up from the back:
"Umm... Ok I'll try. But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle at the end".
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Post by Sloniu{QAW} on Sept 6, 2010 8:07:43 GMT -5
Two tomatoes are walking through the street. Car hit and smashed one of them, the second said: Get up ketchup, we need to go.
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Post by Lion{QAW} on Sept 6, 2010 8:46:50 GMT -5
Comes a goldfish to the doctor, says the doctor: "Ah I see it, dislocated..." Mhmh @ utter fail of literally translating a Dutch joke in English
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Post by <AL>{QAW} on Sept 6, 2010 8:47:39 GMT -5
what's the last thing a bug sees when he splats on a car windsheild? his asshole
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Sept 6, 2010 13:13:12 GMT -5
I'm sure most of you have seen this before....
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Sept 6, 2010 17:40:54 GMT -5
I'm as busy as a tape salesman in a leper colony!!
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Sept 7, 2010 7:39:50 GMT -5
Confucius say:
Man who go bed with itchy bum,
wake up with stinky thumb.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2010 7:39:55 GMT -5
I know that one already Porride and I absolutely love it! Here are two more like that. And the other one: They're absolutely hilarious.
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Sept 8, 2010 0:06:42 GMT -5
luv the email gags, hehe
and how did I forget this one up 'til now!?! . .
What do you call a leper in a hotub-whirlpool?
Porridge...
hehe
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2010 5:07:59 GMT -5
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Sept 14, 2010 22:11:43 GMT -5
luv the email gags, hehe and how did I forget this one up 'til now!?! . . What do you call a leper in a hotub-whirlpool? Porridge... hehe Doh!!! ;D -------------------------------------------------- A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Post by Aelfwen {QAW} on Sept 14, 2010 22:39:31 GMT -5
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Post by I3lessed on Sept 14, 2010 23:11:40 GMT -5
lol'd openly at those last two
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Post by SCOUT on Sept 14, 2010 23:41:18 GMT -5
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!'
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Post by Aelfwen {QAW} on Sept 16, 2010 20:11:13 GMT -5
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was GOING to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Post by I3lessed on Sept 16, 2010 23:03:17 GMT -5
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. " Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers 10. - The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system. 9. - No "couple" enjoy a better "moment". 8. - We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship. 7. - We have significant figures. 6. - EK301: The motion of rigid bodies. 5. - Projectile motion: Do we need to say more? 4. - Engineers do it to specification. 3. - According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite. 2. - We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force. 1. - WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE! Engineering Pick-up Lines * I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page. * You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. * Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. * My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing. * Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy. * Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII? * How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond? * You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum. * You're sweeter than glucose. * We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes. * Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me? * Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX? * Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen. * Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com * You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power! ERTW!!! (Engineers Rule The World lol)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2010 9:45:36 GMT -5
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. " Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers 10. - The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system. 9. - No "couple" enjoy a better "moment". 8. - We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship. 7. - We have significant figures. 6. - EK301: The motion of rigid bodies. 5. - Projectile motion: Do we need to say more? 4. - Engineers do it to specification. 3. - According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite. 2. - We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force. 1. - WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE! Engineering Pick-up Lines * I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page. * You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. * Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. * My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing. * Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy. * Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII? * How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond? * You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum. * You're sweeter than glucose. * We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes. * Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me? * Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX? * Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen. * Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com * You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power! ERTW!!! (Engineers Rule The World lol) This reminds me of that serie "The Big Bang Theory".
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Sept 17, 2010 15:16:17 GMT -5
Great jokes, folks, keep 'em coming!! The best line so far that wasn't a punch line was this: " 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing." I LOL'd way too hard when I pictured a 6 yr old telling his 4 yr old brother this ... ;D
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Sept 18, 2010 17:14:16 GMT -5
Two fellas walking along hunting in the woods, and they come across a hole in the ground...
They bend over and look in,..can't see bottom. So one fella grabs a pebble and tosses it in...
...nothing, no sound, no splash...
They look around and find a boulder, carry it over and heave it in...
...nothing,..still no sound..
They look around and spy an old railway tie, lug it over, up-end it into the hole...
..then all of a sudden!, branches start cracking, moving behind them, they look,...A goat comes flying outta the woods,..down the hole!!...
nothing, no noise whatsoever...
They give up, they begin walking out of the woods and come across the landowner..
"Hey, that hole you've got on your land, HOW deep is that hole?!?!
Landowner, "Hole?!, sorry fellas, I don't know anything about any hole, but I tell you what, I'm out here looking for my goat. Have you seen him? He was tied to a railway tie..."
still busy, hope to be back reg in a coupla months...then killzyaz
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Post by SCOUT on Sept 19, 2010 0:01:39 GMT -5
During a 2nd grade Biology lesson a teacher was explaining that human beings are the only animals that stutter,"
A little girl raised her hand and said "I had a kitty-cat that stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories can be, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,'' she began,
"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been
really scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say Shit' the Rottweiler ate her!"
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Sept 20, 2010 12:46:14 GMT -5
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
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Post by DavY CrockeTT{QAW} on Sept 20, 2010 16:26:15 GMT -5
there was 2 naked statues inside of a huge park and it was a male and female statue..she was bent over in front of him and they was in the position to have sex but obviously couldnt cause of them being statues of course...
well one day a magical fairy just drops out of the sky in the middle of the park and points his wand and the 2 statues and unfreezes them , looking directly at them he says im going to give you guys 1 full hour to do what youve ALWAYS wanted to do more than anything..
well they dont even hesitate the woman and the man spring for a huge bush and go behind it, the bushes start swaying back and forth , with all kinds of noises...
30 minutes later they both pop out wiping the sweat off of their faces and out of breath , as they stood there trying to catch their breath, the fairy tells them you have 30 more minutes to continue doing what you all was doing...
both of their eyes light up and they look at each other , the man asks the woman do you wanna hold the pigeon down or do you want to shit on its head??
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Post by SCOUT on Sept 20, 2010 22:04:00 GMT -5
A guy who's had too much to drink is sitting at the bar after just having thrown up on himself.
Slurring his words he says to the bartender..."Oh, man, my wife is gonna kill me when I get home. She has warned me about my drinking. There's no way to hide this one."
The bartender says, "Stick a $10 bill in your shirt pocket before you get home. When your wife asks what happened, tell her you were helping a drunk friend get home when he threw up on you. Then show her the $10 and tell her he offered to pay for your dry cleaning."
"Great idea!" the drunk said and left for home.
When he got home, the wife stopped him at the door and angrily asked "What happened to you?".
He proceeded to tell her his alibi about a friend throwing up on him and showed her the $10 for dry cleaning the shirt.
Puzzled, his wife said, "But that's a $20."
"Oh, yeah." the drunk man slurred. "....he also shit in my pants".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2010 14:10:32 GMT -5
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home,having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.. Maude, what in the hell is that? Mabel, a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude, where did you get it? Mabel, you can get them at any drugstore. The next day, maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely ( she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. She replies, doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits a camel!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2010 16:29:49 GMT -5
Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers 10. - The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system. 9. - No "couple" enjoy a better "moment". 8. - We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship. 7. - We have significant figures. 6. - EK301: The motion of rigid bodies. 5. - Projectile motion: Do we need to say more? 4. - Engineers do it to specification. 3. - According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite. 2. - We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force. 1. - WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE! Engineering Pick-up Lines * I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page. * You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. * Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. * My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing. * Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy. * Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII? * How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond? * You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum. * You're sweeter than glucose. * We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes. * Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me? * Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX? * Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen. * Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com * You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power! ERTW!!! (Engineers Rule The World lol) This reminds me of that serie "The Big Bang Theory". as a member of ASE I approve!
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Post by Dire.Wolf{QAW} on Oct 2, 2010 21:53:58 GMT -5
Comes a goldfish to the doctor, says the doctor: "Ah I see it, dislocated..." Mhmh @ utter fail of literally translating a Dutch joke in English A for effort? from Missy the lost cat emails "I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven." that hit me just right and i lmao thanks
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Feb 11, 2011 17:50:06 GMT -5
Patient: "Doctor, Help me, I think I might be addicted to Twitter!" Doctor: "Sorry, I don't follow you." Happy Friday!
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amig0
Server Admin
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Post by amig0 on Feb 14, 2011 23:44:44 GMT -5
HAHAHA the spider post is hilarious! good finding man!! hahahah!
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amig0
Server Admin
Posts: 768
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Post by amig0 on Feb 15, 2011 0:08:31 GMT -5
where can I see more of those? like the spyder and the midget crib and the lethal weapons!??! hahahahahahahahaha 100% PHUN!
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