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Post by SCOUT on May 28, 2017 21:27:48 GMT -5
A guy robs a bank and takes hostages. In the course of the robbery his mask slips off.
He asks one of the hostages: ""Did you see my face?""
The hostage answers yes, and the robber shoots him.
Then the robber turns to the second hostage: ""Did you see my face?""
The hostage answers: ""No, but my wife did ...""
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Post by boca{QAW} on May 30, 2017 14:05:41 GMT -5
My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I went and got drunk.
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on May 30, 2017 15:41:06 GMT -5
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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Post by boca{QAW} on Jun 2, 2017 6:04:43 GMT -5
My wife asked me the other day to whisper dirty things in her ear, I responded with "kitchen, bathroom, garage...."
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Post by boca{QAW} on Jun 2, 2017 6:12:50 GMT -5
My wife is a bit of a romantic, she sends me text all the time like these. "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams." "If you are laughing, send me your smile." "If you are eating, send me a bite." "If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
I am usually not the romantic type, but the other day I replied to her text with, "I am on the toilet, please advise."
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Jun 4, 2017 10:25:35 GMT -5
A guy robs a bank and takes hostages. In the course of the robbery his mask slips off.
He asks one of the hostages: "Did you see my face?"
The hostage answers yes, and the robber shoots him.
Then the robber turns to the second hostage: ""Did you see my face?""
The hostage answers: "No, but my wife did ..."
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Jun 4, 2017 10:41:17 GMT -5
If you're going to steal Scout's joke at least wait until it's on a different page
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Post by SCOUT on Jun 4, 2017 11:54:06 GMT -5
lol
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Jun 4, 2017 12:18:57 GMT -5
OMG hahaha This guy from work texts me jokes on the daily. I thought I was stealing one of his jokes, but apparently I stole the one joke I had texted him recently (which was Scout's joke). Note to self: the blue texts are the ones that I have sent him. !Fail
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Jun 4, 2017 12:27:23 GMT -5
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Jun 4, 2017 13:43:03 GMT -5
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Jun 4, 2017 13:51:31 GMT -5
You got that text too!?
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Jun 4, 2017 16:12:34 GMT -5
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Post by boca{QAW} on Jun 5, 2017 13:50:05 GMT -5
My wife asked me the other day, "What was one thing different when you were a bachelor?"
I responded, "When I was a bachelor I would come home, check out what's in the fridge and then go to bed. But now that I am married, I come home check out what's in the bed and then go to the fridge."
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Jun 14, 2017 8:41:53 GMT -5
My wife and I were traveling down the highway when i saw the lights of a patrol car behind us.
So I pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
So I said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to my wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
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Post by TheNecrons on Jun 18, 2017 13:11:50 GMT -5
Boca tells jokes only about his wife...lol
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Post by boca{QAW} on Jun 19, 2017 6:26:53 GMT -5
Boca tells jokes only about his wife...lol I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife( Barbara) of 26 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.”
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Jul 12, 2017 11:12:07 GMT -5
One day a husband comes home, screeching his car into the driveway, and runs into the house. He slams the door and shouts excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" His wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," he said, "Just get the hell out."
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Post by SCOUT on Aug 31, 2017 19:08:09 GMT -5
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Sept 11, 2017 22:30:35 GMT -5
Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?” The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Sept 29, 2017 13:22:52 GMT -5
Drunk guy is sitting at the bar, takes another shot, and pukes all over himself. He says to the bartender "What am I gonna do? My wife is gonna kill me!"
Bartender says "Here's what you do ... take a $10 dollar bill, put it in your pocket, and when you get home tell your wife some guy puked on your shirt and gave you ten dollars for the dry cleaning" ... drunk guy says "That's a great idea!"
He gets home and his wife wakes up, she says "Honey what happened to your shirt?"
He says "Oh some drunk guy puked on me and gave me ten bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
His wife reaches in his pocket, pulls out the money, and says, "Hey there's $20 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too."
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Post by SCOUT on Sept 29, 2017 22:01:03 GMT -5
*Note to self It's a lot easier to stuff a turkey after it's dead.
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Oct 3, 2017 9:41:42 GMT -5
*Note to self It's a lot easier to stuff a turkey after it's dead. Not as much fun though 😎
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Oct 15, 2017 13:42:01 GMT -5
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Oct 18, 2017 12:24:43 GMT -5
an oldie...
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"
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Post by sinistar on Oct 21, 2017 12:15:27 GMT -5
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"
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Post by SCOUT on Nov 7, 2017 21:28:35 GMT -5
Ex Girlfriend: You'll never find someone like me Me: That's the point
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Post by SCOUT on Nov 11, 2017 21:14:29 GMT -5
Therapist: So, what's the problem? Girlfriend: He just uses me for sex. Boyfriend: She is just using me for my money. Therapist: So, what's the problem?
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Nov 11, 2017 23:12:20 GMT -5
I came across these two that were so bad I couldn't stop laughing at them ... Copied as they were written:
Q: Why does your wife have periods? A: Because she deserve them.
Q: What is loud and obnoxious? A: Your wife
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Nov 13, 2017 8:43:28 GMT -5
lol ... sounds like some dooood is really pissed off at his friend's wife.
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