Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2011 10:24:20 GMT -5
where can I see more of those? like the spyder and the midget crib and the lethal weapons!??! hahahahahahahahaha 100% PHUN! This guy did that midget email www.dontevenreply.com/index.php
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Post by SCOUT on Feb 21, 2011 20:36:45 GMT -5
As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal Mart yesterday a particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside. Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around, hitting an older man working there as one of the Wal Mart Greeters. As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and calming voice the Greeter, while gesturing towards the two children said to her, "Are they Twins?" Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?" "No replied the Greeter calmly, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Feb 24, 2011 18:55:48 GMT -5
Why men shouldn't write advice columns...
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
...................................................................................................
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
John
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Post by I3lessed on Feb 25, 2011 0:52:11 GMT -5
LOL... at the last 3 >.> haha all very good
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Post by Corvus{QAW} on Feb 27, 2011 11:05:10 GMT -5
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Mar 3, 2011 22:42:44 GMT -5
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, ****," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy ****, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, ****," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
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Post by SCOUT on Mar 4, 2011 8:16:45 GMT -5
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer?
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Post by Corvus{QAW} on Mar 8, 2011 13:35:14 GMT -5
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2011 14:39:36 GMT -5
Man walks into a bar... oww it was a metal bar.... hahahaha... not really
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Mar 8, 2011 19:10:05 GMT -5
Man walks into a bar... oww it was a metal bar.... hahahaha... not really
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Post by SCOUT on Mar 9, 2011 4:37:54 GMT -5
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game... They smuggle a bottle of JACK into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...mixing the JACK with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded
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Post by Corvus{QAW} on Mar 16, 2011 13:34:35 GMT -5
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Post by SCOUT on Mar 16, 2011 21:34:06 GMT -5
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2011 5:42:13 GMT -5
Man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. Librarian says, F**k off, you wont bring the tw*t back
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Dec 14, 2011 19:24:02 GMT -5
A guy and his buddy are having a beer at the local tavern and the guy points to a couple of old drunks on the other side of the room and says 'that could be us in 10 years'.
and his buddy says 'that's a mirror you dipsh*t'......
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Post by Corvus{QAW} on Dec 16, 2011 20:29:44 GMT -5
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Smqp_jojo
Veteran
Insufficient fire support!
Posts: 170
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Post by Smqp_jojo on Dec 21, 2011 11:05:12 GMT -5
a guy walks into a grocery store to pick up the grocer's daughter points to her face and say "paper or plastic?"
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Post by SCOUT on Dec 28, 2011 21:15:13 GMT -5
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
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Post by SCOUT on Dec 29, 2011 20:30:21 GMT -5
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Thibodeaux turns to Boudreaux and says, "I tink I gonna davorce ma wife... she ain't spoken to me in six or five months."
Boudreaux sips his beer and replies, "You better tink it over..women like dat are hard to find."
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Post by Corvus{QAW} on May 27, 2012 17:46:37 GMT -5
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Mar 21, 2017 11:30:57 GMT -5
2017 bUmP BTW: If you do a google search for "Crass jokes" (especially in the US) - guess which link shows up as the first link? This one ... Ha! Also, Sloniu{QAW}'s avatar is the first image link .. LULZ!!
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Mar 21, 2017 23:46:50 GMT -5
*too
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Post by SCOUT on Mar 22, 2017 7:14:39 GMT -5
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Mar 22, 2017 12:02:15 GMT -5
Took my wife to the dog show the other day ... she won!
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Apr 20, 2017 7:22:25 GMT -5
A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag.
He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Apr 20, 2017 7:23:19 GMT -5
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Apr 20, 2017 10:51:55 GMT -5
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Apr 21, 2017 12:41:39 GMT -5
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Post by boca{QAW} on Apr 26, 2017 13:15:05 GMT -5
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locker her out of the house.
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Post by SCOUT on May 4, 2017 22:49:51 GMT -5
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.'
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick up Peter and Willy from school and go home.'
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