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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Nov 21, 2017 8:45:50 GMT -5
I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can’t put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. “Oh yes”, I say to you, I must say Grace “Thank God for Butterball turkey…. Amen”
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Post by Cowboy{QAW} on Nov 22, 2017 23:32:11 GMT -5
Now that is amazing Ton, haven't heard that one before. Had me drooling in anticipation for the first 10 lines
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Post by SCOUT on Nov 27, 2017 1:29:17 GMT -5
Wife: He made two fat jokes yesterday.
Me: That's a lie.
Therapist: Then why would she remember you making them?
Me: Because elephants never forget.
Therapist: LMAO
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Post by SCOUT on Dec 5, 2017 11:04:18 GMT -5
Her: Did anyone ever tell you you're handsome?
Him: No (blushing)
Her: At least you know you're surrounded by honest people.
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Bill
Server Admin
Posts: 71
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Post by Bill on Dec 6, 2017 0:40:33 GMT -5
Her: I wish my boobs were bigger, but I don't know what to do.
Him: Try this, three or four times a day, take a good handful of toilet paper and use it to wipe in between your breasts, and they are guaranteed to grow.
Her: It's been over a month and I've been wiping in between but I haven't noticed a difference, are you sure about that toilet paper trick?
Him: Well it worked for your ass so I don't see why it wouldn't work for your tits!
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Post by SCOUT on Dec 15, 2017 17:56:39 GMT -5
A husband and wife were arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses, the wife say's "relatives of yours?" The husband say's "yep, in-laws."
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Dec 15, 2017 18:08:36 GMT -5
Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year.
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Post by SCOUT on Dec 22, 2017 14:09:47 GMT -5
Her: Excuse me, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.
Him: Same.
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Post by sinistar on Dec 28, 2017 16:20:21 GMT -5
Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Peter was going out he returns and says,"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Peter was leaving again he turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move.
During dinner, Peter sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us". 10minutes after, Peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ...." Ten minutes go by, and Peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others. She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know you are so religious.
Peter with his head still on the table replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
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Post by Porridge{QAW} on Feb 1, 2018 12:42:20 GMT -5
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.” The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
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Post by sinistar on Jul 10, 2018 13:12:46 GMT -5
Bacon you frequently respond with "Meow" in-game chat and this joke made me think of you...
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."
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Post by KingMob on Jul 11, 2018 12:50:48 GMT -5
What did the deaf-blind baby with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
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Post by tonofclay{QAW} on Jul 12, 2018 23:11:31 GMT -5
Guy and his wife are walking deep into the woods, wife says 'Im starting to get scared' ... Guy says 'You think you're scared, I gotta walk out of here alone!'
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Post by KingMob on Jul 13, 2018 12:27:07 GMT -5
There once was a man named Juan. Juan was a good man. He never yelled at his kids, he never beat his wife, and he never kicked the armadillo on his front lawn. Time went by an his neighbors started to notice what a good guy he was. The said, "Hey Juan, you're a good man. You never yell at your kids, you never beat your wife, and you never kick the armadillo on your front lawn. You should run for mayor!" Juan thought that was a pretty good idea, so Juan ran for mayor. After a grueling campaign, Juan emerged victorious. More time went by.
Soon, everyone in his town realized what a good man Juan was. They said, "Hey Juan, you're a good man. You never yell at your kids, you never beat your wife, and you never kick the armadillo on your front lawn. You should run for Governor!" Juan thought that was a pretty good idea, so Juan ran for governor. After a grueling campaign, Juan emerged victorious. More time went by.
Soon, everyone in his state realized what a good man Juan was. They said, "Hey Juan, you're a good man. You never yell at your kids, you never beat your wife, and you never kick the armadillo on your front lawn. You should run for President!" Juan thought that was a pretty good idea, so ran Juan for president. During a grueling campaign, once it was becoming apparent to everyone what a good man Juan was, he was approached by an ominous man in a black suit. He said, "Juan, you're too good of a man. You're making my candidate look bad. If you don't start yelling at your kids, beating your wife, and kicking the armadillo on your front lawn, I'm gonna have to shoot you with my Golf Gun." Juan was worried, and more time went by.
Soon, everyone started to realize Juan was a bad man. He always yelled at his kids, he always beat his wife, and he always kicked the armadillo on his front lawn. He started to do poorly in the polls, it appeared as though he would lose the presidential election. One night Juan had a dream and an angel appeared to him. It said, "Juan, you used to be a good man. You never yelled at your kids, you never beat your wife, and you never kicked the armadillo on the front lawn. What happened to you? You can be a good man again." Inspired by this dream, Juan decided that no matter what he would go back to being a good man. He stopped yelling at his kids, he stopped beating his wife, and he stopped kicking the armadillo on his front lawn. He begin to pull ahead in the polls again. Finally, after a grueling campaign, he emerged victorious as the president of the united states.
On the day of his inauguration, after the speeches and the parties were over, Juan retired to the presidential bedroom in the White House. As he entered the bedroom looking forward to some well deserved rest, he flipped on the light switch to reveal an ominous man in a black suit standing in the room. He said, "Juan, I warned you but you didn't listen. You stopped yelling at your kids, beating your wife, and kicking the armadillo in your front lawn. Now you must die."
Right then and there, the man pulled out his Golf Gun and shot Juan square in the face.
At this point in the story, you will naturally be asking "what's a Golf Gun?"
Well, I don't know what a Golf Gun is, but it sure put a HOLE IN JUAN.
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Jul 13, 2018 12:32:10 GMT -5
A man and his wife were walking down the street, they turn the corner and they see the wife's mother being attacked and beaten up by four muggers. The Wife turns to her husband, "Aren't you going to help?!?!" Husband says, "Four should be enough."
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Jul 13, 2018 12:40:55 GMT -5
*temporary suspension of PC rules (not allowed to pick on the Newfies here anymore :/)
A Newfie goes to Ontario looking for work. He gets lands a job and he is sitting in the break room with the other employees. He spies all these things on the break room table and asks, "What are those?" The lad replies, "Those are thermoses, you've never seen a thermos before?" "No, what are they for?" "They keep hot things hot and cold things cold" "Well that's pretty neat."
So after work the Newfie goes and buys himself a thermos. He's sitting in the break room the next day... The lad says, "Oh, I see you went and got yourself a thermos." "Yep, yep, I thought it was a pretty good idea." "So what have you got in it today now?" "Four cups of coffee and a couple of popsicles,"
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Post by KingMob on Jul 13, 2018 14:04:45 GMT -5
*temporary suspension of PC rules (not allowed to pick on the Newfies here anymore :/)
A Newfie goes to Ontario...
What the Christ is a Newfie? Wait..... Is that the kind of question a Newfie would ask?
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Jul 13, 2018 15:20:27 GMT -5
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DaBastard
Server Admin
a covy let me in ;)
Posts: 393
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Post by DaBastard on Jul 31, 2018 20:03:52 GMT -5
a long one, (twss), but worth it I think.
The CIA put out a Job notice, looking for a HitMan.
Two men and a woman show up for the interview.
First lad steps up.
They hand him a pistol and say, "Your wife is in that room over there. Go in there and shoot her.", as they point to the door.
He goes through the door, it shuts. He's not in there but a few seconds and comes back out. He hands back the gun and says, "Sorry fellas, I'm just not the man for this job".
Second lad steps forward, they hand him the pistol, they say "Your wife is in that room over there. Go in there and shoot her."
He goes in, he's in there for a few minutes. He comes back out, he's in tears, hands back the pistol and says, "No, no, I'm sorry, I can't do this!"
The woman steps forward, they hand her the pistol and say, "Your husband is that room over there. Go in there and shoot him"
She goes through the door, it just closes shut and six shots go off in quick succession. There's banging and crashing and she finally opens the door, covered in blood. She throws the gun back at the them and says, "YOU BASTARDS!! YOU PUT BLANKS IN THE GUN!!,... I HAD TO BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH A CHAIR LEG!!"
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Post by KingMob on Sept 6, 2018 14:54:19 GMT -5
There was once a Spanish Magician preparing to perform a magic trick for a crowd.
He counted Uno
He counted Dos
Then he disappeared without a Tres!
BRINGIN IT BACK
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Post by KingMob on Sept 13, 2018 15:56:41 GMT -5
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up c*nts!
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